bored or boring

Fuuuuuck, holy fucking shit you guys my life is not cool enough!!!!

I do nothing!

I do nothing and i dont know what to do about it!

Ive always wanted to be a main character but that movie would have such horrible reviews.

Holy shit.

I dont know what to do because how the hell do i make my life more cinematic when i cant cut out the boring parts and i never do anything dramatic enough to feel like fiction?!

This kind of ties back to that thing about how i need to take a risk...

On top of that i need more follow through.

I wish my life could have a soundtrack, and ive made plenty, but unfortunately thats not the same thing.

I dont want to be watched, i just want to be watchable.

I saw this guy i cant decide how to feel about on spotlight (tik tok is too slow and ruins music, and i made the mistake of following too many cat accounts on instagram so now thats all i see on reels) and he said he tells his kids when they say theyre bored "then youre being boring." Or something, which just seems so true.

God i feel kinda like Tom from The Glass Managerie, except im not a man in my early 20s who works at a shoe factory supporting my family in the early 30s (i think thats when that was set?).

But like he said... im fucking boiling inside. He didnt say fucking, i said that, but he said the rest.

Idk.

Can anyone relate?

God, "restlessness" (as toms mother put it) is one of those things... i dont know where i was going with that.

Probably something about how life is too short and we involuntarily waste a lot of it but if we were a less civalized species wouldnt our livez be wasted on survival anyway?

I dont fucking know.

Cause this shit is just so unfulflilling.

I wanna do something, or more specifically, make something cool.

Like i wanna write one of those movies that makes everyone feel like shit because thats not how they came of age.

I need something to like about myself right now.

All i can think of is my humor, but i use that every time. Im not THAT funny.

Oh but i guess i did something pretty cool yesterday that I get to brag about for at least a few days, so... thats something i guess.

I never made rules for choosing what i like about myself during those times when i kinda feel like shit about myself.

I feel like an obvious rule would be it cant be someone else.

Like my favorite thing about myself cant be my really good friends.

It could be that i attract really cool people but it cant be about them.

I dont think it can be about looks. I mean i have like two good features anyway, so that wont be hard to avoid.

Ah!!! I have excellent taste in music!!! I mean i think so, but everyone does.

Anyway, so i have too many ideas and yet not one is about what to do with them all.

I mean lets say i wanted to actually write a movie, which would be sick as hell, but not something i have the faith (but then again, much like self control, faith is something you need to leave your house everyday) to do, how would i even go about that?

I dont have a camera or know anybody to act in it, or know how to get that started, or any good way to edit that, or disposable income to buy a camera or something for animating, or the patience.

But then again some of these are things i can work on.

I dont know.

Im most definetely not decisive enough to even settle on a rough draft. Like for real, i tried writing a short story once and i restarted over 11 times because i couldnt decide if i wanted the main character to have a twin or not.

I mean, how the fuck do people do this?! Do they really just go "welp, good enough" and then share it with the cruel eyes of the public?

On the subject of decisiveness, i dont know what my favorite color is, and i feel like anyone who claims that they do are either lying, thoughtless, or tasteless.

Because how the fuck do you just see yellow and youre like "yup, i like that better than aaaallll the other ones!"

And like is it supposed to be by visual appeal, or by what you associate it with, or by what it feels like??!!!

Like because visually dark red, like blood, or like candy apple red, is absolutely beautiful (but so is orange, especially if its a gradient with yellow)

But then blue is like so... like theres a certain color of light blue id associate with a pretty woman in a flowy dress spinning through a field of of tiny yellow flowers on a sunny day, and that makes me really happy.

But when i think about anything hard enough i could associate it with something as random and as beautiful as that...

I associate pastel yellow with walking down a dark street surrounded by even darker alleys in total silence. And i fucking love it.

And by the way, how do you decide that candy apple red is more appealing than sage green?! They look cool as hell together! (I think, im just kind of imagining it, but like a creamy sage green neclace with a red dress? I would fucking dicinigrate if someone wearing that even made eye contact with me)

And it doesnt help that people dont specify shade, because what the fuck do you mean "red" is your favorite color?! Bitch some shades of pink are red! Red can mean a million different fucking things, and you seriously like aaaaalll of them more than the best shade of blue? How? Explain.

Back to the thing about writing movies, i think producing would have to be the best part.

Producing is basically the process of making it more cinnematic right? Like adding the dramatic music, and putting the scenes together, right?

That would be sick ass job.

I dunno.

What do you guys do to make your lives more interesting?

In my mind im sitting upside down in a chair with my hair touching the floor and the dog staring back at me right side up, and im laughing because the blood is rushing to my head, and im so bored thats entertaining.

So...

Please give me ideas.

I clearly need them.

And also, while youre at it, whats your favorite color, and why?

Bye guys.

Ill be overthinking every small human interaction i have and pushing people away in the process and yet still lacking the self awareness to keep wondering why im...

Still bitchless, bill.🫡