God, i need sleep, but also, fuck you god 🖕

 Alr... im just gonna have a quick lil midnight existential/midlife (if i die at like 40 like i plan on) chrisis... you can ignore me...


Guys... what the fuck is wrong with me????

I do... Nothing.

Im.

so.

Useless.


I cant remember the last time ive learned something.


I cant commit to anything, so i start shit i never finish and gain nothing from.

My room is a fucking mess, i keep all my old decvices so one day, when i learn about computors and shit, i can do something with them...

I convinced myself id learn by trial and error.

What the hell is wrong with me???

I feel like im turning into a mix of my hoarder dad and my sibling who cant even get through a book.


I feel so fucking stupid.


Mind you, all of this started from the random burst of inspiration i got from watching that episode of Clarence where Clarence and Sumo got suspended, and then i realized i have no where to put that inspiration because i will never commit to anything i want to learn and none of it will ever serve anyone.

Everything i like is fucking useless...

I like to think.

I like to watch cartoons.

Thats about it.


I dont know what to do...

I say that all the fucking time about just about everything, from what to draw, to what i should do with my life...


I dont even know if i like to draw or if i just do it to feel closer to, or more probably, better than, my family, cause everyone else is an artist.

Like everyone else in my family likes cars, and has dark hair and fucked up teeth, and drinks and smokes and always have since they were teenagers, and dont feel guilty all the time, and date people, and do things, and make friends, and got jobs by fourteen and all these other things i never do.

But theyre also just better than me at everything.


I like guitar like my dad did. I dont like feeling like im anyhing like my dad, but i guess i like feeling like i got something from him, that my siblings didnt?

And i feel bad about that.


I dont like that i base so much of my life on other people.

And i dont like trying to be better than everyone.

And i dont like that the one thing i found that felt like mine was actually his first. His being my dads. And hes better at it than ill probably ever get.


I guess its not even that i dont know what to do...

I know i wanna make a dumb ass movie that makes people feel things.

I know i want to learn how to play and make multiple different kinds of music.

I know i want to see things, but i dont want to do things.

I know i want two fucking minutes where im completely alone, and i can fucking sing till i lose my voice or try to move shit with my mind just cause i fucking can, but i live with six other people in a three bedroom house.

I know i wanna write a book.

I know i think it would be sick to take a philosophy and physics class, but im not currently enrolled in a school.

Maybe i could go to community college or some shit.

I gotta say, im not even sure theyd take me.

I know id want to be an interior designer if it wouldnt make me feel like im selling out.

I want to finish reading all the books i have on my shelf. Some of them are literally for sixth graders and i havent even read them but theyve been there forever.

Like ive literally got a fucking goosebumps book on my shelf.

Why the hell am i like this????

But yeah, its not that i dont know what i need or want to do, its just that i dont know where to start or how to finish.

And i feel like thats kinda worse...


Im not sure why im posting this, i guess regular journalling takes too long and hurts my wrists, and i guess maybe i want to reach someone so they know theyre not alone or validation or free life advice, but the point is... i dont fucking know... 

Dont give up on your dreams or youll become a burn out like me i guess???

Uh...

- billie?

This doesnt seem like a satisfying conclusion. 🫤

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