Trees II - mccafferty

 "I need you more than you need me" just hit too hard, a lot like how in smokey eyes by lincoln he says "theres nothing worse than making friends".

Those two lyrics perfecrly describe how im feeking about all my friends right now.

Holy fuck it is exhausting trying to maintain relationships when i can barely maintain my sleep schedule.

I almost started crying when i was telling my therapist about it, which was embaressing as hell.

I dont care if shes a professional feelings net, if you see my cry, im gonna have the urge to kill you.

But its actually so fucking painful knowing my friends would probably ditch me if their partner of enough months asked them to.

Like...

People just put too much stock into romantic relationships, even though its the platonic ones that are there to help you clean up when those become an entire mess.

But, and this is obviously my fault, i dont have a lot of friends of my own.

I can only have like two at a time.

I have two right now and im really really hoping i dont lose these particular two, so unless i do, im not getting any others.

The thing is, they always have more, so on their list, id be like number 10 if their immediate family were first, and then their top five friends were next, and thats assuming im like their third best.

My friends are kinda my two favorite people.

I hate that.

I love them, but i hate that i need them more.

Its not really fair to them either.

I mean i dont expect anything from them, but i feel like it has to feel bad making your friends feel bad even if its not your fault?

And its not, and i dont want them to...

I dont know if im making any sense, but point is...

Theres nothing worse than making friends... i always need them more than they need me.

So...

Anyway, on an unrelated note, ive been off my antidepressants for like a week now, and i wanna drown.

But i dont have any caveties according to my dentist.

The hygenist was cute as hell, she had glasses and eyebrows and stuff, and i liked her jaw. She was really sweet too.

I like my teeth. Thats what im gonna pour all my self confidence into this week.

And i dont mean cause of the way they look, they just used to look goofy as hell cause they had a gap, and everyone made fun of it, they said they were "social distancing" but they corrected themselves, so fuck them 🖕🖕

Plus, despite being awful at brushing my teeth everyday, consuming way too much sugar, and only brushing them so aggressively they hurt (which is why i barely brush them) because otherwise they dont feel clean which is only find if its intentional, ive never had a cavety.

I dont know how to spell that word but i wont be looking it up right now...

One thing to keep me humble if i get too cocky about the teeth thing: im a shit speller, so... balance i guess 🤷

Anyway, sorry for once again, titling one of my posts something intruiging like a song title, and then only talking about myself and how sad i am, which you guys dont care about.

Ill try to post more interesting content when i figure out how to phrase my thoughts on natural selection in a way that doesnt make it sound like i agree with eugenics.

Believe me guys, when im off my meds is when i spiral the hardest, so that should be... something. If i dont decide to water it down as to not sound slightly psychotic.

I was gonna sign off a certain way but i dont remember how, so... uh... i dunno, by guys

-Billie

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