Dream #3

I know i said i was gonna unplug but i just had the most distressing dream ive ever had in my life...

My family pretty much all collectively decided they hated me because i guess i was too controlling or something.

My sister kind of had the final say and she was just like "im deciding if we still like you... we dont." And i left and said "ok well fuck you guys then." Very dramatically.

Like i am too controlling i guess, but i feel like its not that huge of a request to ask people to wash their hands after picking their nose or using the bathroom or putting their fingers in their mouths if theyre gonna touch everything afterwards?

I know its still not up to me, but it just really bothers me and i dont understand why its so much to ask that they keep a communal living space sanitary?

Or why they even do things like that in the first place, like wouldnt it bother them to have someone elses bodily fluids on them, why do they do that to other people?

Idk... i woke up crying though... i guess maybe thats a sign i need to shut the fuck up and deal with it before i lose everyone.

I mean shit, im already really fucking lonely.

But... i hung out with my best friend the other day, and she voluntarily washed her hands after putting her fingers in her mouth just because she knew it bothered me, and she completely understood, and didnt mind.

And shes not even a germaphobe or a clean freak, or a potential control freak like my mother is (or at least claims to be). My mother who does get annoyed at me for that.

So i guess i wonder if im the problem or if its possible my family overreacts to it when i ask them to wash their hands after doing really gross things?

But to be fair, my best friend doesnt have to live with me, and she chose me.

Idk...

Anyway, towards the end of the dream, i was in a public place with like thirty other people, and my sister was there too, and she told me she didnt want me to hate her just because she turned the family against me, and i told her i did, and that she was just as bad of a person as me, and didnt even tell me why she decided to excommunicate me from my family, i had to figure it out, and still wasnt even sure if that was the reason, and then wants me to forgive her even though she kinda ruined my life?

And then she walked away like "you still suck" and i started crying, and someone came up to me and acted like i wasnt crying but i think they were trying to make make me feel better? 

But i couldnt tell because i felt like they knew and thought i deserved it, but i just looked pathetic, or they were just being sarcastic, just adding a cherry on top yknow.

And thats when i woke up...

So idk, i guess... i would advise against continuting to do something you know is pushing everyone in your life away?

- Billie

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